When the rain stops

Posted on Saturday July 7th, 2018 @ 2:08am by Lieutenant Emily Quartermaine

973 words; about a 5 minute read

After having a long talk with Cameron, he suggested that I do this log as a way of dealing with what's happened and just be open about it...so here we go.

It's over.

When they came to me and brought up those two ugly words, I tried to be reasonable and understanding about the whole situation but deep down inside I was torn apart and it seemed all that mattered in Yuka's eyes was that she had to be right.

I was the one "hiding" and that "I changed after the surgery" when in fact if she had simply walked over to my desk and said that "hey, can we talk?" instead of the her needing to prove that she was just as capable as the other fucking flag officers of putting their thrice damned careers first...

<sighs> I will admit that I changed after the surgery, but not in the way that Yuka is so quick to assume that I had but she either didn't fully grasp or understand everything that I had been through these last few years before we found each other again and when I was rushed into medlab and they operated on me....saving me...I felt like I had been granted a new lease on life, like I could be the person that I used to be before everything that happened with India back in college...

...before Kyle's death.

But instead they...uh..want to try a "trial sepration" and see if that'll fix things which means that Yuka is all alone in her bed in her own quarters with Aidan doing the same in the XO's quarters...and me in mine with all of this supposedly going to help up find ourselves again or something.

So instead of transferring off this ship which would've been helpful or maybe healthy to me at this juncture in my life, I'm to stay here and do my duty...see Yuka every day and not be able to say "I love you" to her because we're not supposed to be romantic at each other right now or curl up with Aidan anymore...

I can respect the need to try and find oneself again, find out what made you fall in love with them in the first place...that I don't have a problem with but it's the other stuff and the perspectives that was abound there because I never once hid from them, I tried to be more open and honest even trying to be more open unlike I had been before because like I said, dying in the way that I had been really opened my eyes and showed me how my life was beautiful and how I needed to be living it instead of living in fear about how my two loves would react if they knew what kind of work that Cameron and I did for the past decade.

I will admit that towards the end that I was working extra hard to lighten her load but I wasn't "hiding" as she kept declaring like it was a gospel or something but I was trying to make things easier on her to the point where I wasn't eating as much and lost some weight because of it but I wasn't working hard enough to be hiding.

I never even got to see my wedding dress, don't think I ever will.

I am feeling so many things right now that it's physically hard for me to actually put them to words and I don't know what I'm supposed to do other then find myself and try to heal the pain that I'm feeling right now because of everything.

What I do know is that Dylan, a member of my family through one of my brothers, has offered for me to come to the family homestead on Manticore and just hide from the universe for a while as I get to know the family that I didn't know that I still had out there like my seven times seperated nephw Jake who is apparently the last of the main Quartermaine line and my older brother Jason's descendent..I think Jason might find it really funny that one of his blood actually grew up to be a naval doctor...

...or his baby sister a highly skilled assassin.

I don't know if I'll do that or not in the long run, but what I do know is that in the here and now I'm just going to do my job and my friends, try and get to know my family in this era because before I almost died I was scared to find out if I had any.

That's it for now...good night.

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